What is it? What did parents make they should not? - They started to try too much to be a friend, a partner, a buddy to the kid, instead of being a parent at the first place. They started to worry too much that they may lose kid's love and approval, or even worse - they try to buy kid's love and approval by saying "yes" when they should say "no", by saying "maybe" when they should firmly say "no way". They allow kids to expect negotiation in every situation, and it makes parents having to explain, to excuse their decision, sometimes even to defend it, which many times eventually turns into an argument. A horrible picture: a mother - or a father - and a child screaming at each other. Lack of respect. Lack of authority. And when there is lack of authority, kids get lost. They don't feel safe, secure, they lose a "point of support". They lack a role model, somebody they could feel respect for and rely on. A strong parent, who knows in every situation where he goes, calm, confident, firm, incorruptible, dignified. Somebody a kid could have confidence in, although sometimes he may not like him. It is OK if we are not popular for a while. It is OK if kids dislike us for a moment. Our role is not to be popular, is not to be "good buddies" - our role is to be parents - sometimes the tough ones. No more than two days ago, we had to really disappoint our teenager by saying "no" to his request. We could see on his face what he thinks about his parents - believe us, it wasn't something nice. We told him, "You know what? - It really would be much easier for us to say 'yes' - it would be so pleasant: you would say, 'Thank you, Mom, thank you, Dad, you are so cool!' That's what you would say now. And in the future, you would say - or at least think, 'You stupid parents - why were you so irresponsible and let me do that?' We are responsible, and we rather hear from you 'you are bad and mean' now, and 'thank you' in the future, than 'thank you, you're wonderful' now, and 'why did you try to be cool instead to be a parent?' in the future."

There is a freedom in America, and we should cherish it. But, we have to use this freedom wisely. We cannot give kids too much freedom, in the name of respecting their personal freedom. In theory, it could sound attractive, fair, and right. But a practice proved it is not so. Of course, we should respect a child as a person, we should consider his feelings, let him present his opinion, take his remarks seriously. But, we should remember he's still a child. To assume, to pretend he is an EQUAL partner and to treat him like an equal partner is a mistake. How can we expect a kid to be able to make a proper judgment, proper decisions, so he can decide for himself? He doesn't have enough information, enough experience, and is not mentally prepared to fully consider all the consequences of his behavior. He needs our guidance, our support, he needs to be able to rely on somebody he can trust - no matter if he realizes that or not, no matter if he wants to admit it - even before himself.

A few years ago, we watched a program on TV about this issue. A guy from Sweden, about 30 years of age, was making a very sad confession: he was visiting a Polish village, and while watching the relations in the country family he was living with, he realized what he lacks, what he was missing, what his entire generation lost. He missed forever the warmth of a traditional family nest. He never really had a Mom, a Dad. He just had one more male buddy named Olaf, and one more female buddy named Ingrid. No this mysterious bond, souls connection between Mom and son, no deep men friendship between Dad and son. Lots of freedom instead - so much that if a kid did not get his pocket money for any reason - as a form of punishment, or simply because parents' budget didn't allow it this week - he could call police that his parents deprive him his rights; if he didn't like something his parents did or said, he could call police that parents abused his personal freedom.

This issue refers to all of us. No matter if we are parents or we are not. Because the results affect all of us. How do you think - will a kid accept any authority if he does not accept his parents' authority? The kids will grow up - and what then? How their generation will look like? Will he be a man of his word the others can rely on if he never did care that he promised something to his father and did not keep his word? Will she know what honor is, will she be honest and trustworthy if she was proud of herself whenever she fouled her mother? Will he be inclined to respect any rules if he did not respect home rules? Will she respect the others if she did not respect even her parents? Will he really respect himself if he is not able to respect the other people? And what can a person who does not respect even herself contribute to the society?

We have to do something about it, and we have to do it NOW. But - it requires all of us to be involved. You may be as good, responsible, demanding parent as you possibly can - and you would fail any way if you are a single case. You cannot separate your kid from the outer world and its influence.

Please, American parents, help each other, help your kids and all our kids, help yourselves. Be A PARENT FIRST to your child! That's what parenthood is about. This is your responsibility.

This is a tough task, a big challenge. But it will pay off. For all of us.

We will talk more about this subject in one of our books we're writing.

Copyright © 2003 by Rosa & Witold Wolkowski All rights reserved